


Raccoons With Too Many Teeth

by Izzymach14



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Cryptid Hunting, F/M, Multi, supernatural meets scooby doo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 19:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13688703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Izzymach14/pseuds/Izzymach14
Summary: Louise Belcher and her squad of weirdos travel around in a van looking for cryptids to kill and avoid talking about feelings. Especially feelings about a certain night when they were just kids. A night where one of them ended up torn to pieces. A night that made them realize monsters do exist and someone needs to stop them. A night where Louise vowed nothing will ever make her feel that powerless again.





	Raccoons With Too Many Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This isn't actually the first chapter but is mostly an intro of characters and a vague plot form shape. I had this idea that I can run with but first I want to see if there is any interest in it. So please let me know what you think and if you are interested in seeing more. Enjoy!

Louise Belcher was a precocious kid, a smart mouth with an affinity for pink and knives. Sure, she likes to cackle maniacally and occasionally lead uprisings against her teachers but, hey she was just a kid. 

Louise Belcher was a kid at twelve years old, when she woke up standing in the cold ocean. The black water up to her knees, the night sky clear and indifferent. Louise was awake but not alone. She was holding hands with one of the Pesto twins, she didn’t know which one. 

“Andy or Ollie, Andy or Ollie, Andy or Ollie,” the Pesto twin didn’t know which one he was either. His clothes mixed matched, his hair shorn, eyes wide and glossy, he won’t let go of her hand.

Louise looks at her other hand, she was holding something. Another hand was clenched with hers. The other Pesto twin. All that was left of him was a small arm, his tiny hand still grasping onto Louise. 

The rest of the pieces of the other Pesto are torn and scattered across the beach, slivers of pale flesh bobbing towards her in the water. 

Louise screams. Piercing wails of a kid who had just woken into a nightmare. People come running to the beach to help. They come with cops and ambulances and her parents, demanding to know what happened. But she doesn’t know, all she can do is scream.

Even now at 18, freshly graduated from high school, and flipping burgers at her Dad’s joint, she still feels that she’s screaming inside. There’s a gaping black hole in her center, that demands retribution.

There are monsters out there, actual monsters that eats the hearts of children. Monsters slippery with carnage in dark woods, leaving trails of bread crumbs. She wants to kill them all. Fire a bullet into their brains, draw a summoning circle and send them back to Hell with both middle fingers raised. Her blood hums with purpose.

During the weekdays, she serves burgers to the people she’s grown up with. During the weekdays, she’s Louise Belcher, daughter of Linda and Bob, and younger sister to normal Tina and Gene. On the weekends, she jumps into a van with her monster killing crew. 

There is Regular size Rudy who has grown up to the average height of 5′8. Sweet Rudy, who will follow Louise anywhere, even to literally the bowels of Hell. He’s the driver, the soft spoken charmer who does most of the persuading to adults.

“Nothing to see here, Sir. We’re just checking on that infestation in your attic. We think there’s something up there that likes to rip out teeth.”

He’s the one with the band-aids and honey voice that belts out Broadway tunes as the kids drive to the middle of nowhere. He does his homework for his theater class scrunched up on the steering wheel while the others takes care of the Things. He once punched the Jersey Devil in the face. One of his proudest moments really. 

There is Millie with her wide grins and unblinking eyes, she’s the resident crackpot witch and connoisseur of occult. Louise is pretty sure that Millie sold her soul to the Devil, a fact that Millie will neither confirm nor deny. 

Millie is the one to loiter in 7-11 parking lots and offers to read people’s empty slushee cups to determine their future. Millie makes summoning circles out of skittles and hums Britney Spears as she stakes vampires. 

She has boxes of books with questionable binding about the lurking evils in the world. Maps of towns with notable disappearances. The gang rely on her to steer them in the direction of where they are most needed. 

With her wilting hair and bloody fingernails, she’s still too intense for the other kids but she’s Louise’s best friend, and that’s all she needs. She would do anything to protect her coven of weirdos. 

There is Andy Pesto who thinks he’s Andy but he still doesn’t know. Not really. Tall and pale, he slouches and shuffles around town walking nowhere. Doesn’t say much, not to living people at least. 

He still talks to his brother and sometimes his brother talks to the rest of the gang too. It’s a neat trick Andy has, closes his eyes, tilts his head back, opens his mouth, and like a sweet song, his brother’s forever childish voice comes pouring out. Offering insight from the other side and occasionally throwing in bad puns. 

He needs to be in contact with someone at all time. He braids Millie’s hair, sleeps on Rudy, and drapes over Louise like an overgrown cat. 

Andy is the bruiser of the team. He kills the monsters with a ferocity, a viciousness that springs from his bones and through his fingertips. 

And there’s Louise, the leader with her faded pink bunny hat tied around her wrist and overgrown leather jacket. She cunning, calculated, and feels that she needs to do something or else she’ll drown. Something was taken from her that night when she was just a kid. She sees teeth in the shadows, strangers with too many eyes in the wrong places, hears the cries of those forgotten.

She wishes she can be like the rest of her family again, simple burger folks with soft doughy arms and warm eyes. With her small, scraped knuckles and fierce black eye glares, she’s drifting away into a world of nightmares. The only thing that keeps her grounded is her crew. Without them, she’s lost just like the other children. Just like the other Pesto twin.


End file.
